So, I recently finished The Autobiography of Henry VIII by Margaret George. I must say, it was a thumping good read even though it was atrociously long - over 900 pages to not be exact. My obsession with the Tudor dynasty (primarily with Anne Boleyn and her daughter, Elizabeth I, The Virgin Queen) interested me in this book, because George so wittingly creates a life story of one of England's most notorious tyrants, writing it as though he would have written it himself. She takes a different road, showing us the softer side of the crazed ruler known for his licentious behavior and his ruthless beheading of 2 of his 6 wives, one of whom is an idol of mine - the ever witty and bold, Anne Boleyn.
The gripping yet everlasting tale is everything I knew it would be, having taken too much of my free time studying this particular time period. However, George doesn't convince me that King Henry VIII was anything but a womanizer, a tyrant, an idiot. Ok, ok...perhaps that was a little too harsh. He did break from the Catholic Church, leading a reformation in religion and providing the breeding ground for new religions to come popping up. But it seems to me that the majority of Henry's accomplishments come from the women behind him, not from his own fucked up mind. Why did he break from this church? To marry the coquettish beauty, Anne Boleyn, who has been said to have been a firm Protestant in a completely Catholic nation. And yet how did he award her for releasing him from the noose of a church filled with idolatry, corruption, and greed? Oh...that's right. He had her wrongly accused of adultery, seducing him with witchcraft, and incest, all of which had her beheaded as a traitor to the crown. The real reason he murdered a queen? She couldn't birth him a son. "Thanks for the 3 year anniversary gift, Henry darling!!!" Anne's pretty little head must be rolling over in the rotted arrow box under the concrete floor of the abandoned church that was her grave. Classy.
George tries to defend Henry's "grief" over the loss of his 5th wife, Catherine Howard, a young cousin of Anne Boleyn who was raised by an oblivious aunt, the Duchess, in a house with several other young ladies. The favorite hobby of these ladies? Inviting gentlemen into their quarters for what Professor McGonagall would call "ILL-mannered frivolity!" Naturally, to keep their secret from the innocuous Duchess, they recruited Lady Catherine Howard to their fun. After divorcing Anne of Cleves (played by Joss Stone in the Showtime series, The Tudors), Henry's 4th wife who lasted only a few months and was never actually crowned due to the fact that, well, she "looked like a horse", Catherine was placed in front of the King for nothing other than his disgusting pleasure...in between the ages of 14 and 16!!!!! (The official age is unknown but there is strong evidence she was married to King Henry around age 17.) FOURTEEN...talk about cradle robbing! So, if you do the math, Miss Howard was entertaining gentlemen in her bed around ages 11 and 12. Oh emm gee, people!!!
But did this 'rose without a thorn' stop entertaining after the King married her? Negative. And when he found out shortly after the marriage, Henry had her beheaded like a commoner (with an ax; not like he so 'graciously' had Anne murdered - with a special swordsman from France). Now, granted, I am no commissioner of adultery, but I find it ridiculous that he murdered a young TEENAGE woman who - dare I say it? - was EXACTLY LIKE HIM. He had more mistresses than the court could keep up with...and probably a lot more bastards out there than the rumored son he got from Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary (looked it up, doubtful it's true). The young - YOUNG - lass grew up in what was basically a high class version of a whore house and she was thrown into royalty before adulthood to an old (he was in his fifties), obese (reaching 300 lbs), tyrant!!! She did what she always did to fit in and find comfort...she did the nasty with a lot of men, including her cousin, the one she did 'it' with the most, Thomas Culpepper...tasty name and tasty in the Showtime hit, The Tudors.
Yum.
Yum.
In the end, it was Culpepper who was Catherine's true love as it is rumored her last words on the scaffold were, "I die a Queen, but I would rather have died the wife of Culpepper." And even though he had A LOT of trouble with the ladies, Henry VIII is probably the most famous king in British history. Like they say, sex sells...and King Henry BANKED on his scandalous behavior. He eventually went mad - could it be he actually had a conscience, being haunted by the ghost of his 'rose without a thorn'?? Or perhaps he had the popular infirmity...syphilis?? Me thinks the latter...indeed.
George tells a delightful tale that's just that...a wishful, unrealistic tale in my eyes. But it IS an interesting story all the same. Beautifully written and keeps your attention. I give it a 8 out of 10 stars...hahahhaaa...if I was rating it. Well, what the hell? This is MY blog, I think I can rate it if I want!!! So there!! (That sudden outburst was not caused by the same disease that probably sucked all of the brain power from King Henry's head...I promise. More than likely it was due to the realization of the minute amount of power my blog gives me. Insert evil, diabolic laugh :::here:::.)
And that concludes my rant of what I REALLY think King Henry VIII was like. I'm right...right? Anyways, read it. Just do it...you know you want to.
NB: For those of you interested in the fabulous Showtime hit, The Tudors, let this fucktastic clip move you one step closer towards watching in on Netflix. Natalie Dormer as Anne Boleyn...a dream come true. (Jonathan Rhys Meyers looks mighty fine there too...not gonna lie.)
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