So, I saw 'the ex' today. I saw her driving around town, and completely lost my appetite, which is funny, because I had just bought food to eat. I don't know why, but I didn't think seeing her again would effect me so much. But it did. Unfortunately, I let it affect my whole day. A huge part of me wants nothing but to see her burn. However, there's this little smidgen of me that wants HER to want ME back. I mean, why doesn't she want me back? Because there's a part of me that wants her back. And I actually cleaned up my apartment a little because WAAAAAY in the back of my mind, I'm actually thinking that she might stop by...but I KNOW that she won't. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself through this? It's completely ridiculous. I mean, not only did she mentally hurt me by lying to me, but she PHYSICALLY hurt me...so, why do I miss this? I think it's just because she was SUCH a big part of my life for almost 3 years...and I really loved her so much.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I would like someone to spend time with and to love. I mean, I know that when I'm finished with classes in December and graduate, I am 99.8% sure that I will leave Indiana and head to Maryland to live with my aunt and cousins for awhile until I get my own place and a real job...hopefully with the government. I'll be much closer to DC and will be able to save money because I won't have to pay for rent and other related expenses. But just because I'm probably going to leave at the end of the year doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself and the company of someone I really like until then. It's just so hard to trust someone now, because I've been burned again. In a sense, I feel like Jen ruined me. I had a hard time with trusting anyways, and then just when I started really trusting, I get completely burned. So, I don't know what to do...not to mention I've gotten hideously ugly. I mean, I've gained weight and I'm just gross. No wonder why NO ONE is interested in me anymore. AND my confidence is crap. So, I mean, I have little crushes on some people, guys mostly, but I feel like I just can't do anything more than that because I'm just too afraid of being burned. And I don't know how to get over this shit. I feel like if I just don't forget everything about my life with Jen then I'll be alone and trapped in the memories and pain forever. But how do you fix bruises that just never seem to go away?
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