April 19th

I was all ready to write something amazing and well deserving of a pulitzer here, but alas, I have failed once again. The fact that I've got some viral infection eating its way through my body could be why I suck right now. Or maybe it's just my overall lack of confidence?? Who knows.
I'm missing classes this week, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm going to be SO far behind, when I actually won't. What has happened to me? I used to be SUCH a good student. I think it could just be the senioritis that's knocking on my brain this year. I just HOPE that I pass every class that I have this year so I can finally get that degree and...do what? I mean, I'm COMPLETELY confused. I want to get a job and be actively involved in our world and on the otherhand I think the only real thing I'd be good at would be to just get up, disappear, and never come back. Just start over. Wouldn't that be great if we could do that? Just be born again if we didn't like the way things were going? I mean, it would totally defeat the purpose of 'life' but still...
Did I mention I'm confused?? Well, I am. I just found out some interesting things about someone in my past that normally would hurt me A LOT, but they didn't. Have I changed? Have I actually moved on? Or could it have been the way I found them out? I have recently been in contact with someone that has made me smile awkwardly...and I really, really liked it. I mean, this person probably has no idea and frankly, couldn't care less, but I have to give credit where it's due. I can't remember the last time I smiled like this. Honestly. I've gotten so used to frowning, I think my mouth has actually formed into a permanent frown. Maybe that's why it hurts to smile like this for so long?? hahaaa...nah, but the smile is fading away because I'm slowing realizing that this probably isn't real. The fact that I over analyze everything doesn't help, either. I mean, I just always work myself up so much over something that in all actuality is really nothing. And then I just get the big letdown. See, this is why optimism sucks...seriously. I really need to get back to my pessimistic views and just doubt everything like normal. That way I'll never be disappointed.
But what if? (Don't you just hate the question?) I mean, what if it could be something great??? I mean, she's all wrong for me because she's nice, kind, and funny...Apparently I need someone I know will cheat on me and beat me. Damn, why am I just SO retarded??!! Fuck it...I've gotta let it go. Plus...I don't think I'm good enough of a person to be on her same level...blah.
Ok. This needs to end. Now. It's too long. Any comments would be greatly appreciated...Goodnight, stars...I'm sure I'll be with you soon.