Just To Get More Of You
Broken down on the side of the road
on the hottest day of all time,
I continued walking, with your smile dancing in my eyes.
I kicked a can with your ears
and stepped over a hole with your lips.
Your hair played against my face
from the willow that I mazed through.
It began to drizzle,
and I felt your tender touch suffocate me
in the weak sunlight.
Your scorching kisses poured over my soles
as I scuttled over the pavement.
My chest heaved with your love,
your poison,
and I kept sucking it up; faster, quicker,
like a vacuum.
The weakness set in, and I began to feel pain.
My feet began to blister.
The air in my chest could not suffice my need for oxygen,
and the scratches on my face left blood on the willow.
It only lasted moments,
and then I was in the clear. With an open road in front
and the chaos past, I had only one path.
I turned...
and strolled, like a king,
through the pain and suffering afresh
just to get more of you.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Appreciating Gravity
Watching the memory of you swimming in my glass
soothes my loneliness, if only for slight moments.
When you leave me,
I drown in my thoughts of forever and never.
Dreaming of an easy out, I try (so hard)
to stay away from sharp objects, necklaces, and homemade remedies.
On stronger days, you can find me wishing on thunderstorms
and the sound that streams from my rusted air conditioner.
When the blade becomes dull from my skin,
I’m found, glazed, on the bathroom floor,
pining for the courage to push a little harder.
Because of a small hope
that hides in the far caves of my possible genius,
the butter of my arm becomes a piece of lumber,
splintered and stronger than normal.
I catch an artificial breeze from the fan
and pucker up for the pictures that no one views,
with the lips that no one kisses,
in front of the mirror where No One looks back.
It’s about that time...where dreams finally come true.
Where I see a light
instead of the constant dark that plagues my brow.
Where you notice that I really am genius.
Where mathematics, physics, and pure art finally come together,
ending the beginning while starting the finish.
I take no time in tightening my necklace and staring at my feet.
Using gravity, I fall to get high.
And I’m gone.
And you noticed.
And it was late, yes, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t count.
Watching the memory of you swimming in my glass
soothes my loneliness, if only for slight moments.
When you leave me,
I drown in my thoughts of forever and never.
Dreaming of an easy out, I try (so hard)
to stay away from sharp objects, necklaces, and homemade remedies.
On stronger days, you can find me wishing on thunderstorms
and the sound that streams from my rusted air conditioner.
When the blade becomes dull from my skin,
I’m found, glazed, on the bathroom floor,
pining for the courage to push a little harder.
Because of a small hope
that hides in the far caves of my possible genius,
the butter of my arm becomes a piece of lumber,
splintered and stronger than normal.
I catch an artificial breeze from the fan
and pucker up for the pictures that no one views,
with the lips that no one kisses,
in front of the mirror where No One looks back.
It’s about that time...where dreams finally come true.
Where I see a light
instead of the constant dark that plagues my brow.
Where you notice that I really am genius.
Where mathematics, physics, and pure art finally come together,
ending the beginning while starting the finish.
I take no time in tightening my necklace and staring at my feet.
Using gravity, I fall to get high.
And I’m gone.
And you noticed.
And it was late, yes, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t count.
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Symbol Of Truth
So, apparently there's this new symbol on the cover of the children's version of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This symbol has intrigued most people and although, when searched, it seems as though it is the symbol for TRUTH, and many wonder how it plays into the Harry Potter saga and what exactly it's purpose is. (I'm going to try to post the pic in here (^ there it is! ^) so you can understand what I'm talking about) I'm going to give just a few of my opinions on it because I'm a nerd, and it sounds like fun.
First off, the symbol is basically a triangle with a circle inside that seems to be split in half by a line from the top point of the triangle that falls down to bisect the base of the triangle. I have no interpretations for this line. What does it mean? Is it the line between good and evil? Although good and evil are complete opposites, does this line reflect the fact that they will always coincide and therefore, MUST in order to coexist? Then we look at the circle and the three points of the triangle. I am reminded of the show Alias and the symbol of Rambaldi that Irina (Sydney's mother, if you don't watch the show...which you SHOULD because it's amazing) relates to her and her life. The symbol of Rambaldi looks like this, basically: <0>. Now, describing this symbol, she refers to the two arrows/triangles as representations of her two daughters, Sydney and Nadia. Then she says that the circle represents the power with which they will do great battle over. Now, if we relate this theory SOMEWHAT to the symbol found on the Harry Potter cover, I am saying that perhaps the circle is the force/power with which the three points of the triangle will fight/defeat. I am totally assuming here when I name the three points Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Harry being the top of the triangle, and Ron and Hermione being the feet. It seems to me that the line down the middle from the top point (Harry) could also symbolize the fact that he is the only one who can really 'crack'/kill the circle (Lord Voldemort). However, I am then thinking that PERHAPS the circle represents power itself and PERHAPS Voldemort, Harry, and Neville are the three points that end up fighting for it. I'm not saying that Harry and Neville fight against each other. I'm simply saying that these 3 characters are becoming the most important, it seems, in the fight to the end. But then again, I do enjoy the idea of the points being referred to as Harry, Hermione, and Ron, because through the years, these three have become the representation of the perfect team. Ron and Hermione have always been the backbone and the force that holds up Harry (i.e. the 'feet' of the triangle that support the top point). Especially when we leave the 6th book, Hermione and Ron vow to be right next to Harry in his decision to either stay or leave Hogwarts to go find and fight Voldemort. I do believe that it will be the strength from these two that will get Harry to the finish line and probably save him. As we know, his love and emotions for others is, yes, his weakness, but it is, in fact, his strength and possibly, the only thing that will be able to save him in the end.
Anyways, this is my theory on the symbol and I do enjoy theorizing about stuff like this!!! Also, I really like this symbol. I'm wondering how I can relate it to something in my life because I would LOVE to get this as my next tattoo. Perhaps I shall be back to discuss the way this symbol is related to MY life and the power within me...who knows!!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Elephantine Depression
Elephantine Depression
I have an ill-tempered soul, tattered
With broken pieces of what I thought I was.
No longer can I rub the dirt off my shoulders,
Because that dirt has become nothing more
Than a dreary grave of the many monkeys
That relocate from my back,
After being raped and replaced by new demons.
My tongue is swollen with the foul obscenities
I yell at night while I prepare my symphony
For its midnight debut titled ‘My Perfect Insomnia’.
The fangs from my gums grow stronger,
Poking holes through my lips
And dangling my blood all over my sheet music.
How can such sadism and barbarity dwell inside
A redheaded princess from nowhere?
No pride drips from my saccharine, tearless depression.
The key to my boredom is propitiously nothing
But a small glass of crunchable ice and a bag of bandages.
The blade will come later
When I’m just too close to the end.
At that point, I start to tease myself with death.
What would the Mirror of Erised show
Should I look with my putrid eyes through its?
Me with a mere scratch on my left arm?
Or perhaps, the mirror would show
A constant stream of red,
Symbolizing the only feat I managed
To finally accomplish in life:
The untimely yet necessary death of it.
I have an ill-tempered soul, tattered
With broken pieces of what I thought I was.
No longer can I rub the dirt off my shoulders,
Because that dirt has become nothing more
Than a dreary grave of the many monkeys
That relocate from my back,
After being raped and replaced by new demons.
My tongue is swollen with the foul obscenities
I yell at night while I prepare my symphony
For its midnight debut titled ‘My Perfect Insomnia’.
The fangs from my gums grow stronger,
Poking holes through my lips
And dangling my blood all over my sheet music.
How can such sadism and barbarity dwell inside
A redheaded princess from nowhere?
No pride drips from my saccharine, tearless depression.
The key to my boredom is propitiously nothing
But a small glass of crunchable ice and a bag of bandages.
The blade will come later
When I’m just too close to the end.
At that point, I start to tease myself with death.
What would the Mirror of Erised show
Should I look with my putrid eyes through its?
Me with a mere scratch on my left arm?
Or perhaps, the mirror would show
A constant stream of red,
Symbolizing the only feat I managed
To finally accomplish in life:
The untimely yet necessary death of it.
Dressing Up Exotic
Dressing Up Exotic
Awkwardly striking a pose in front of the mirror,
My stretch marks pave the way
To my drug induced suicide.
The record skips through “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”
While I dress to impress
In oversized sweatpants and a ribbed tank-top
That does nothing to conceal my sharp nipples
Due to my snow blowing air conditioner.
I tie my golden red lollies up high
On the top of my head and grow 4 inches.
As my lopsided nose slices my face into jigsaw pieces,
I scrape the dried mucous spots
Off my lens and steady them on the jagged bridge
Of my flared nostrils.
Then I cry.
I weep silently,
Catching the salt water in my deep pores.
The dirt under my cracked nails
Mixes with the tears
While I scratch them off my face.
I’m not a pretty girl.
My beauty surpasses all that is normal
And I become nothing short of exotic.
Unfortunately,
The only one who sees that
Is the sad, pathetic bitch in the mirror
With cold tits and a snotty whine.
Awkwardly striking a pose in front of the mirror,
My stretch marks pave the way
To my drug induced suicide.
The record skips through “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”
While I dress to impress
In oversized sweatpants and a ribbed tank-top
That does nothing to conceal my sharp nipples
Due to my snow blowing air conditioner.
I tie my golden red lollies up high
On the top of my head and grow 4 inches.
As my lopsided nose slices my face into jigsaw pieces,
I scrape the dried mucous spots
Off my lens and steady them on the jagged bridge
Of my flared nostrils.
Then I cry.
I weep silently,
Catching the salt water in my deep pores.
The dirt under my cracked nails
Mixes with the tears
While I scratch them off my face.
I’m not a pretty girl.
My beauty surpasses all that is normal
And I become nothing short of exotic.
Unfortunately,
The only one who sees that
Is the sad, pathetic bitch in the mirror
With cold tits and a snotty whine.
Chocolate Covered Cherries
Chocolate Covered Cherries
So I spread apart my skin,
Yellow like the peal of a banana,
And let him devour me.
Because dark against black blinds me,
I cannot see where his hands reach.
Feeling their softness brush over my gooseflesh,
I exhale.
I feel like a kid again,
Embraced in love after a fall
Resulting in scraped knees and
A Waterfall of swift tears.
The smooth, sugary rush of dark chocolate
Drifts over me and I smell nothing but candy.
His chocolate covered cherries
Leave tender kisses all over my
Vanilla wrapped soul.
I suddenly remember bobbing for apples
And dipping pretzels.
Our sweets intertwine like candy canes
And the sweat and oil bind us together.
The smell of toffee tickles my spine
And floats above the trees.
We continue to mix and as one, we hear
A Spanish beat in the background
And begin to see sugar plums bursting
Like fireworks in the sky.
Reaching that moment, we melt into one another
And become a single malt…
His creamy caramel has topped my brittle heart,
And together we become the most beautiful candy bar
In existence.
So I spread apart my skin,
Yellow like the peal of a banana,
And let him devour me.
Because dark against black blinds me,
I cannot see where his hands reach.
Feeling their softness brush over my gooseflesh,
I exhale.
I feel like a kid again,
Embraced in love after a fall
Resulting in scraped knees and
A Waterfall of swift tears.
The smooth, sugary rush of dark chocolate
Drifts over me and I smell nothing but candy.
His chocolate covered cherries
Leave tender kisses all over my
Vanilla wrapped soul.
I suddenly remember bobbing for apples
And dipping pretzels.
Our sweets intertwine like candy canes
And the sweat and oil bind us together.
The smell of toffee tickles my spine
And floats above the trees.
We continue to mix and as one, we hear
A Spanish beat in the background
And begin to see sugar plums bursting
Like fireworks in the sky.
Reaching that moment, we melt into one another
And become a single malt…
His creamy caramel has topped my brittle heart,
And together we become the most beautiful candy bar
In existence.
Amen
Amen
I took my life
In one sweet slice
To forget the foulness
Of my own heart.
The purity of my thoughts
Were not pure enough
To save.
If only she was to blame.
Amen.
A silent string of breath
Did creep from my wrists
In my heart’s attempt
For one last vision of beauty.
But the dirty shower curtains
Could not provide solace
For a bleeding soul.
Amen.
Forgive me,
Someone.
If there is a heaven,
Send me postcards.
If there is a hell,
Send them there,
For I will but forever
Reign with my disgusting
Body, heart, mind, and soul
In such a place.
Amen.
The only thing I asked for
Was to be happy.
The only thing I got
Was the icy cut of sorrow.
In my eyes,
I could do all wrong.
The only beauty
Was that of my own tears
Washing away the blood
That had dripped down my hands
And crusted over my fingertips.
If I’m to blame,
I’ll take it.
Amen.
I took my life
In one sweet slice
To forget the foulness
Of my own heart.
The purity of my thoughts
Were not pure enough
To save.
If only she was to blame.
Amen.
A silent string of breath
Did creep from my wrists
In my heart’s attempt
For one last vision of beauty.
But the dirty shower curtains
Could not provide solace
For a bleeding soul.
Amen.
Forgive me,
Someone.
If there is a heaven,
Send me postcards.
If there is a hell,
Send them there,
For I will but forever
Reign with my disgusting
Body, heart, mind, and soul
In such a place.
Amen.
The only thing I asked for
Was to be happy.
The only thing I got
Was the icy cut of sorrow.
In my eyes,
I could do all wrong.
The only beauty
Was that of my own tears
Washing away the blood
That had dripped down my hands
And crusted over my fingertips.
If I’m to blame,
I’ll take it.
Amen.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Feeling a little better and fucking EXCITED about July
http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/videogallery/video/show/669
After viewing that video, I now have a freakin' reason to live until July!!! hahahaa...ok, that's a little extreme, but still!!
I've begun to feel a little better than last week. At least the fever and stomach sickness is gone. I'm still pretty weak with a headache and a bad cold, but I'm sure that'll pass. I also am a little disappointed in myself. I really shouldn't have gotten so excited about this weekend and put too much faith into people. I've totally quit all of my crushes because it just won't work. I need to find someone who's more of a loser like me...only then will a relationship really work! And as far as 'friends' go, I really don't have any. I mean, aside from Lois, I don't know anyone that would like to hangout with me or that, now, I would like to hangout with. I knew...I KNEW that people were going to disappoint me, and still, I fell for them. Damnit...I'm pathetic. But I won't let these 'people' disappoint me anymore. No more faith in anyone...it just won't help.
I know it might sound corny, but I'm SO ready to have a real job...mainly with the CIA. I REALLY want to join. I think working for their foreign intelligence program would really be exciting and a good job for me. And if I have to leave the country and my sad pathetic little life behind then fine...I don't mind completely changing my identity and gaining a totally different life. I don't think I have anything holding me back at all. Now, if only I had something or someone (other than Bryce) that I cared deeply enough for that would prevent me from leaving this life behind, maybe things would be different. But as of now...I think not.
And I know that no one reads these things...so I don't really know why I write them. Maybe for my own benefit? No se'. Oh well...at least I have something to look back on and laugh hysterically at!
After viewing that video, I now have a freakin' reason to live until July!!! hahahaa...ok, that's a little extreme, but still!!
I've begun to feel a little better than last week. At least the fever and stomach sickness is gone. I'm still pretty weak with a headache and a bad cold, but I'm sure that'll pass. I also am a little disappointed in myself. I really shouldn't have gotten so excited about this weekend and put too much faith into people. I've totally quit all of my crushes because it just won't work. I need to find someone who's more of a loser like me...only then will a relationship really work! And as far as 'friends' go, I really don't have any. I mean, aside from Lois, I don't know anyone that would like to hangout with me or that, now, I would like to hangout with. I knew...I KNEW that people were going to disappoint me, and still, I fell for them. Damnit...I'm pathetic. But I won't let these 'people' disappoint me anymore. No more faith in anyone...it just won't help.
I know it might sound corny, but I'm SO ready to have a real job...mainly with the CIA. I REALLY want to join. I think working for their foreign intelligence program would really be exciting and a good job for me. And if I have to leave the country and my sad pathetic little life behind then fine...I don't mind completely changing my identity and gaining a totally different life. I don't think I have anything holding me back at all. Now, if only I had something or someone (other than Bryce) that I cared deeply enough for that would prevent me from leaving this life behind, maybe things would be different. But as of now...I think not.
And I know that no one reads these things...so I don't really know why I write them. Maybe for my own benefit? No se'. Oh well...at least I have something to look back on and laugh hysterically at!
April 19th
I was all ready to write something amazing and well deserving of a pulitzer here, but alas, I have failed once again. The fact that I've got some viral infection eating its way through my body could be why I suck right now. Or maybe it's just my overall lack of confidence?? Who knows.
I'm missing classes this week, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm going to be SO far behind, when I actually won't. What has happened to me? I used to be SUCH a good student. I think it could just be the senioritis that's knocking on my brain this year. I just HOPE that I pass every class that I have this year so I can finally get that degree and...do what? I mean, I'm COMPLETELY confused. I want to get a job and be actively involved in our world and on the otherhand I think the only real thing I'd be good at would be to just get up, disappear, and never come back. Just start over. Wouldn't that be great if we could do that? Just be born again if we didn't like the way things were going? I mean, it would totally defeat the purpose of 'life' but still...
Did I mention I'm confused?? Well, I am. I just found out some interesting things about someone in my past that normally would hurt me A LOT, but they didn't. Have I changed? Have I actually moved on? Or could it have been the way I found them out? I have recently been in contact with someone that has made me smile awkwardly...and I really, really liked it. I mean, this person probably has no idea and frankly, couldn't care less, but I have to give credit where it's due. I can't remember the last time I smiled like this. Honestly. I've gotten so used to frowning, I think my mouth has actually formed into a permanent frown. Maybe that's why it hurts to smile like this for so long?? hahaaa...nah, but the smile is fading away because I'm slowing realizing that this probably isn't real. The fact that I over analyze everything doesn't help, either. I mean, I just always work myself up so much over something that in all actuality is really nothing. And then I just get the big letdown. See, this is why optimism sucks...seriously. I really need to get back to my pessimistic views and just doubt everything like normal. That way I'll never be disappointed.
But what if? (Don't you just hate the question?) I mean, what if it could be something great??? I mean, she's all wrong for me because she's nice, kind, and funny...Apparently I need someone I know will cheat on me and beat me. Damn, why am I just SO retarded??!! Fuck it...I've gotta let it go. Plus...I don't think I'm good enough of a person to be on her same level...blah.
Ok. This needs to end. Now. It's too long. Any comments would be greatly appreciated...Goodnight, stars...I'm sure I'll be with you soon.
I'm missing classes this week, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm going to be SO far behind, when I actually won't. What has happened to me? I used to be SUCH a good student. I think it could just be the senioritis that's knocking on my brain this year. I just HOPE that I pass every class that I have this year so I can finally get that degree and...do what? I mean, I'm COMPLETELY confused. I want to get a job and be actively involved in our world and on the otherhand I think the only real thing I'd be good at would be to just get up, disappear, and never come back. Just start over. Wouldn't that be great if we could do that? Just be born again if we didn't like the way things were going? I mean, it would totally defeat the purpose of 'life' but still...
Did I mention I'm confused?? Well, I am. I just found out some interesting things about someone in my past that normally would hurt me A LOT, but they didn't. Have I changed? Have I actually moved on? Or could it have been the way I found them out? I have recently been in contact with someone that has made me smile awkwardly...and I really, really liked it. I mean, this person probably has no idea and frankly, couldn't care less, but I have to give credit where it's due. I can't remember the last time I smiled like this. Honestly. I've gotten so used to frowning, I think my mouth has actually formed into a permanent frown. Maybe that's why it hurts to smile like this for so long?? hahaaa...nah, but the smile is fading away because I'm slowing realizing that this probably isn't real. The fact that I over analyze everything doesn't help, either. I mean, I just always work myself up so much over something that in all actuality is really nothing. And then I just get the big letdown. See, this is why optimism sucks...seriously. I really need to get back to my pessimistic views and just doubt everything like normal. That way I'll never be disappointed.
But what if? (Don't you just hate the question?) I mean, what if it could be something great??? I mean, she's all wrong for me because she's nice, kind, and funny...Apparently I need someone I know will cheat on me and beat me. Damn, why am I just SO retarded??!! Fuck it...I've gotta let it go. Plus...I don't think I'm good enough of a person to be on her same level...blah.
Ok. This needs to end. Now. It's too long. Any comments would be greatly appreciated...Goodnight, stars...I'm sure I'll be with you soon.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Wow...such a weekend...
So, my weekend was pretty eventful. Friday, right after class, I went to Newburgh to see my brother. We ate dinner at my favorite chinese restaurant. And then we just watched movies and played cards all night. I always have fun with B! It was awkward when my stepfather came home. We just said hi, and that was pretty much the loveliness that was our conversation. I wanted to go to bed early, but that didn't really happen. I was getting ready for bed aroun 11:30 and I received a phone call from an unknown number. Oddly enough, it was this guy, Ryan, that I had been talking to on Facebook for awhile. We worked together about two summers ago, and I kinda have a thing for him...hahaa...anyways, we had a pretty nice chat and he said that he's thinking of coming down to Btown for Little 5, so that should be interesting.
Saturday, Bryce and I went to lunch and then started getting ready for his prom! I was setting up cameras and he was getting dressed. I mean, he looked unbelievable!!! He's lost like 35lbs and had a gorgeous looking suit. And when Christina came over for pictures, it was great!!! She looked SO beautiful and I got SOOOOOOOOOO many good pictures! After that, I drove back to Btown, took a quick shower, and went out to Nick's with Alison.
Now, let's get a little background information first. I was going to be meeting Anne out this night. I can't remember if I wrote about her, but I had just randomly IMed her on Thursday night and we talked for a long time. I had always had a little crush on her, so it was really nice to talk to her, and I THINK she might be a tiny bit interested in me, too. So, we decided that we would meet on Saturday. Anyways, I get to Nick's with Alison, and Francisco and T-Don show up. And then, to make my night more weird, who shows up?? But Mr. Muha, whom I hadn't spoken with since he came back from Iraq. I should have punched him, but instead, I just drank more beer, like an idiot. Then Anne and Sly came and I was actually really happy! After getting really drunk at Nick's we all decided to go to Sports. As soon as we got there, I danced a little bit with Alison, Arec, and Tina, but then went outside for a few minutes and ended up losing them. I ended up walking all the way back to my car and making friends with a rabbit! And I drove myself home, which is horrible, because I was a little drunk.
Today, I woke up and was basically lazy and felt like shit all day. I went to the IMU and did a tiny bit of homework, but not enough. Then I met Anne at the library to get back Alison's coat and we ended up talking for almost two hours. It was insane...because it was so awesome. I mean, I really like her personality! She's adorable! I actually can't stop smiling! I need to stop this...or I'm just going to get too into something that might never happen. But I think I'm into her. She makes me smile...a lot...just by looking at me. That's really nice...I haven't felt like that in a very long time.
On a sadder note, I found out some very disturbing and upsetting things about my ex this weekend...she was not so great, to say the least. But even through learning about all of that shit, I am still giggling and smiling like a little school girl because of someone special...wow, I'm retarded because it's probably nothing, but still...a girl can dream, can't she??
Saturday, Bryce and I went to lunch and then started getting ready for his prom! I was setting up cameras and he was getting dressed. I mean, he looked unbelievable!!! He's lost like 35lbs and had a gorgeous looking suit. And when Christina came over for pictures, it was great!!! She looked SO beautiful and I got SOOOOOOOOOO many good pictures! After that, I drove back to Btown, took a quick shower, and went out to Nick's with Alison.
Now, let's get a little background information first. I was going to be meeting Anne out this night. I can't remember if I wrote about her, but I had just randomly IMed her on Thursday night and we talked for a long time. I had always had a little crush on her, so it was really nice to talk to her, and I THINK she might be a tiny bit interested in me, too. So, we decided that we would meet on Saturday. Anyways, I get to Nick's with Alison, and Francisco and T-Don show up. And then, to make my night more weird, who shows up?? But Mr. Muha, whom I hadn't spoken with since he came back from Iraq. I should have punched him, but instead, I just drank more beer, like an idiot. Then Anne and Sly came and I was actually really happy! After getting really drunk at Nick's we all decided to go to Sports. As soon as we got there, I danced a little bit with Alison, Arec, and Tina, but then went outside for a few minutes and ended up losing them. I ended up walking all the way back to my car and making friends with a rabbit! And I drove myself home, which is horrible, because I was a little drunk.
Today, I woke up and was basically lazy and felt like shit all day. I went to the IMU and did a tiny bit of homework, but not enough. Then I met Anne at the library to get back Alison's coat and we ended up talking for almost two hours. It was insane...because it was so awesome. I mean, I really like her personality! She's adorable! I actually can't stop smiling! I need to stop this...or I'm just going to get too into something that might never happen. But I think I'm into her. She makes me smile...a lot...just by looking at me. That's really nice...I haven't felt like that in a very long time.
On a sadder note, I found out some very disturbing and upsetting things about my ex this weekend...she was not so great, to say the least. But even through learning about all of that shit, I am still giggling and smiling like a little school girl because of someone special...wow, I'm retarded because it's probably nothing, but still...a girl can dream, can't she??
Thursday, April 12, 2007
There aren't words...
So, I saw 'the ex' today. I saw her driving around town, and completely lost my appetite, which is funny, because I had just bought food to eat. I don't know why, but I didn't think seeing her again would effect me so much. But it did. Unfortunately, I let it affect my whole day. A huge part of me wants nothing but to see her burn. However, there's this little smidgen of me that wants HER to want ME back. I mean, why doesn't she want me back? Because there's a part of me that wants her back. And I actually cleaned up my apartment a little because WAAAAAY in the back of my mind, I'm actually thinking that she might stop by...but I KNOW that she won't. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself through this? It's completely ridiculous. I mean, not only did she mentally hurt me by lying to me, but she PHYSICALLY hurt me...so, why do I miss this? I think it's just because she was SUCH a big part of my life for almost 3 years...and I really loved her so much.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I would like someone to spend time with and to love. I mean, I know that when I'm finished with classes in December and graduate, I am 99.8% sure that I will leave Indiana and head to Maryland to live with my aunt and cousins for awhile until I get my own place and a real job...hopefully with the government. I'll be much closer to DC and will be able to save money because I won't have to pay for rent and other related expenses. But just because I'm probably going to leave at the end of the year doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself and the company of someone I really like until then. It's just so hard to trust someone now, because I've been burned again. In a sense, I feel like Jen ruined me. I had a hard time with trusting anyways, and then just when I started really trusting, I get completely burned. So, I don't know what to do...not to mention I've gotten hideously ugly. I mean, I've gained weight and I'm just gross. No wonder why NO ONE is interested in me anymore. AND my confidence is crap. So, I mean, I have little crushes on some people, guys mostly, but I feel like I just can't do anything more than that because I'm just too afraid of being burned. And I don't know how to get over this shit. I feel like if I just don't forget everything about my life with Jen then I'll be alone and trapped in the memories and pain forever. But how do you fix bruises that just never seem to go away?
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I would like someone to spend time with and to love. I mean, I know that when I'm finished with classes in December and graduate, I am 99.8% sure that I will leave Indiana and head to Maryland to live with my aunt and cousins for awhile until I get my own place and a real job...hopefully with the government. I'll be much closer to DC and will be able to save money because I won't have to pay for rent and other related expenses. But just because I'm probably going to leave at the end of the year doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself and the company of someone I really like until then. It's just so hard to trust someone now, because I've been burned again. In a sense, I feel like Jen ruined me. I had a hard time with trusting anyways, and then just when I started really trusting, I get completely burned. So, I don't know what to do...not to mention I've gotten hideously ugly. I mean, I've gained weight and I'm just gross. No wonder why NO ONE is interested in me anymore. AND my confidence is crap. So, I mean, I have little crushes on some people, guys mostly, but I feel like I just can't do anything more than that because I'm just too afraid of being burned. And I don't know how to get over this shit. I feel like if I just don't forget everything about my life with Jen then I'll be alone and trapped in the memories and pain forever. But how do you fix bruises that just never seem to go away?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Complete and udder ridiculousness
Ok.
So, this is the first posting that I have on here and I can already tell you that it's not going to be that great because I'm just sitting here worrying about all of the homework that I have to do instead of actually doing it. Evidently that's the only thing on my mind right now. I'm really pissed because I have a ridiculously stupid teacher for one of my classes and she is making us do busy work...c'mon! We are NOT in high school anymore...seriously. However, I am slowly truckin' through this shit just to get closer and closer to December, where I will FINALLY graduate from college...omg, I can't believe it. More on this later...
Since this is the first post, we must forgive its absurdity and wait patiently for the next because that one will contain magic...I promise. :)
So, this is the first posting that I have on here and I can already tell you that it's not going to be that great because I'm just sitting here worrying about all of the homework that I have to do instead of actually doing it. Evidently that's the only thing on my mind right now. I'm really pissed because I have a ridiculously stupid teacher for one of my classes and she is making us do busy work...c'mon! We are NOT in high school anymore...seriously. However, I am slowly truckin' through this shit just to get closer and closer to December, where I will FINALLY graduate from college...omg, I can't believe it. More on this later...
Since this is the first post, we must forgive its absurdity and wait patiently for the next because that one will contain magic...I promise. :)
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