The Disease of Memory; Cripple

I haven't written in over 6th months - scratch that. I haven't BLOGGED in over 6th months. I haven't really written anything GOOD in the past, well, year...but I did just recently write this and thought I would share. The message is basically that I'm getting old...and I can feel it. And now as I try to get my act together, I simply can't get this harrowing thought from my mind: What exactly happened to my life?

The Disease of Memory

The winds of change are upon me,

thrusting me forward

against a stiff, unforgiving will.

My bones are hollow

with age and useless knowledge;

they crack and whither

as I struggle with a predictable future

that haunts my waking dreams

and abuses my fear of failure.

This calamity of aging has fouled me.

It's unkind without patience

and violates me,

the rape of a fatigued life.

And I am helpless

as I fight for the past,

for an unmolested childhood,

for freedom from vivid, ruthless pain.

My epic journey is halted

as I allow the plague of boredom

to overcome my cantankerous soul

and cloud me with powerless grief

and a plethora of guilt from a life wasted

on the disease of memory.

- November 25, 2011

I also wrote this next one recently and I kinda like it. The repetition is pretty interesting. I kinda like it...and that's pretty rare of me to say!

Cripple

Today I saw a cripple

with a cripple walk,

dragging his crippled feet

and I thought a crippling thought:

I would like to be that cripple,

that cripple right there,

as he receives his cripple checks

from the crippling government.

I suppose I already am that cripple

with my crippled disposition

and the crippling obsession

with my crippled death.

I guess I share his cripple name,

drowning in the glow of crippling glances

from those crippling non-cripples

as they use their cripple polite voices

while passing me in the street,

me and my crippleness.

Some are anti-cripple; they deny

my presence with opposed looks.

No waves. No assistance.

Not even a crippled glance.

They must be the hidden cripples

with their crippling jobs,

over abundance of crippling children,

crippled spouses with crippling lies,

forcing each other into a crippling divorce.

The love, it cripples right before them

until their crippled hearts lose movement,

spirit, and that last bit of crippled hope.

And when the crippling overcomes them

and seeps into the slowly crippling mind,

I'll make sure to deny their crippled eyes

as they search for uncrippled guidance

in this crippled world where they once ignored

the crippling smile of their crippled savior.

- November 8, 2011

A Poem for My Favorite Person

Exactly 6 months ago, an extremely wonderful man asked me to marry him by hiding a ring in the second Harry Potter book on the night of the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. I opened it the book and as a beautiful diamond ring fell out onto my lap, I immediately yelled, "YES!", before he could even ask me the question that I had been waiting 3 and a half years to hear. I have lived/survived through many very difficult events throughout my life and long ago I came to the naive conclusion that I was doomed to be the unluckiest woman for the rest of my pitiful, depressing life. But when I met Jay Brandon Budzon, my life changed drastically, and I finally started feeling as though I actually had a purpose and that I might be blessed with happiness and endless love.

I am most definitely blessed.

Brandon is the greatest, most amazing and wonderful thing to happen to me. I am so happy that I get to spend my life with the kindest, smartest, goofiest, most handsome 'geek' who still makes me blush when I see him in his Geek Squad uniform. Not only is he a passionate lover but he's also my very best friend.

I have written a poem fully dedicated to my future husband who treats me like a queen. I love him more than anything and can't wait to grow old in his arms.

I love you, Brandon!!

Benevolent Brandon

Singing softly

of your tender heart

entices envy

in the sweetest of birds.

They look to me

with eyes of jealousy

for your endless love

breathes furiously

through every delicate note

as I praise you

and all that becomes you.

You carry kindness

with full, gentle hands,

each finger grasping my soul

and enveloping it with safety.

Passionate eyes

adorning your porcelain face

swim through mine

and penetrate my secrets,

freeing me from guilt,

from pitiful pain,

from the echoed voices

of past deceptions

and vicious criminals

who raped me of my innocence

and the ability to trust.

Your plump, merciful lips

feed me all the nourishment necessary

to believe in effortless generosity.

They give me reassurance

and confidence in the magic

that radiates between us.

I am forever bound

to you and the affection

that continues to grow

and build us together

as two lives entwine

into one sacred voyage

that fuels our passion

and makes eternity seem

far too short.

May 18, 2011

Even A Beautiful Day Can't Suffice

Stepping into this Hallmark day,

my senses are invaded

by the natural blood of nature.

Sounds are overwhelming,

birds unseen spouting sonnets

to the brilliant, rising sun;

the fluttering of leaves

being gently tossed by the wind

as a smooth current of the sea

sways a sailboat;

the vibrant greens reaching desperately

for their neighbors in adjacent trees;

simple cries of faraway children

enveloped in outside play.

My nose makes a familiar twitch

as a furious inhale invites

the fresh flavor of morning dew

infused with soft lilies.

The bark of the mountainous oaks

breathes of strength and unavoidable power;

light brown dirt beneath my feet

sifting up my nostrils,

reeking of peppered earth

and the pungent scent of fresh-cut grass.

The quiet breeze kindles my back

and demands the obedience of my hair

which wisps and floats to its will.

My gooseflesh is called to the surface

as the wind attaches itself to a swift gust,

pilfering my warmth only briefly

before moving on to another heated soul.

The morning is kind and welcoming,

but my poor mood is not improved

as my mind remains poisoned

by a weighty depression too heavy

for my meek, debilitated shoulders.

This murderous disease consumes me

and extracts any thought of happiness

from my worried, exhausted conscience.

I pity every nerve belonging

to my lame, feeble leg.

My broken back, unable to carry

any weight cruel enough to cripple me,

begs to overcome every thought and each feeling

perpetrated by my careful heart.

My entire being wishes to become the fruitful day

and desist shying from her rays,

locking myself underground

in a dark, ominous oblivion.

The birds call to me,

yet their cries I cannot hear.

Leaves reach to me with green fingers

made tan by the summer sun's golden sauce.

But they are incapable of touching

my milky, translucent skin,

dulled by the smoke of darkness.

And the wind begs to play,

twisting the red curls of my hair

with his invisible fingers,

inviting himself to surround me completely.

Yet my nerves are jaded

by the slight potency of man-made remedies,

and I shy away from his coquetry

with sullen eyes and a stale hide.

I seal myself into a black prison

with little light and even less joy.

I am trapped by that invisible warden

who plagues my mind, denies me sleep,

steals away all comfort,

and withholds the satisfying taste of food.

How to overcome such a poison,

such a determined disease?

My mind offers no solution

while my will is completely fatigued,

beaten, broken by wicked sadness.

I struggle with the desire to live,

knowing death would be a swift ending

to my fatal misery.

But I could never again

be able to hear those hidden birds

whispering kind nothings

to all the world; never again

would I watch the leaves wrestle

with each other, their armies

great in number; never again

could I tempt the wind to tease me

with invisible gusts that crash

against my faint skin and lush hair.

And the earth once beneath my feet

will never again feel as light

when I'm entombed below

its heavy, smothering weight.

All things would be lost

in the final scene of death.

And yet I still keep the idea fresh,

available in my ill mind.

My patience is tested

as this illness festers boldly.

And the question begs once again

to be answered quickly and thoroughly:

how to overcome such sickness?

Will it eat my brain

like ants to a plump apple core?

And how shall I die?

Alone?

Still hungry for knowledge and life?

With the devil's hair wrapped tightly

around my neck as my limp body dangles

from lost life and a farewell note

crumpled up on the floor?

Perhaps these questions have no answers,

only possibilities that haunt thoughts

and foul dreams.

This foggy cell becomes home

and my soul becomes polluted

by the haze and stench

of my rotting psyche.

I'm not alive but my heart beats,

a pulse that allows the sadness to spread.

My death would be courageous

yet confidence was consumed and digested

by this fearless beast

years and years ago.

May 1, 2011

Edited May 7, 2011

Tricks and New Glasses!!!

Early this morning I finished a book that I started reading last night titled Tricks, by Ellen Hopkins. It was recommended to me by my dear cousin, Paige. I have read most of Hopkins's other books which are comprised of poems that tell a story. The whole book is written in poetic form and the way Hopkins organizes them and uses them to tell the story of 5 teens on the verge of prostitution is truly genius.

The book tells the stories of Eden, Seth, Whitney, Ginger, and Cody, all teens from different areas of the US who all end up crossing stories in Las Vegas, otherwise known as Sin City. And the only thing they end up committing in Sin City is, well, sin. Hopkins teaches her young adult readers about the dangers of teen prostitution and how most of these teens end up abusing drugs and/or alcohol.

Although it is a book for young adults, I enjoyed it very much. All of Hopkins's books deal with some sort of substance abuse, suicide, or other dangerous issues. My favorite (and the first one I ever read by her) was Crank, which illustrates the life of a young teen who gets addicted to crack, among other things. After reading her books I often find myself thinking that they may not be very suitable for some teens. But then I think about my teenage cousin, Paige, and I come to the conclusion that perhaps only those teens who are slightly more mature for their age should read them. Personally, due to the graphic nature of the material, I think mature teens are the only ones who could really understand and handle the novels and the ideas and themes Hopkins bring to light within them. So, parents, you may want to be slightly concerned and if you find that your teen IS reading one of these books, sit down and speak to them about the issues and dangers in the book and why they are actually beneficial to know.

Some of the poems in Tricks really struck a chord with me. I'm going to include them here. Note how Hopkins arranges the lines of the poem so that certain words end up creating a collective thought when read from top to bottom.

Bleed (pg. 213)

Open a vein, feel

the rush, exodus,

delicious.

Don't be afraid,

there's no pain

in the letting,

delectable.

Watch the red

flow, let it go,

drip,

make it slow,

drip.

If you've done

it right, you won't

wake from the night's

indescribably peaceful

dream.

Need (pg. 245)

Need is a curious thing.

Until you plant the seed,

nurture it, encourage its

awakening,

you're not even sure

it's there. But once it

germinates, nudges up,

breaking ground,

you can no longer deny

it has always lain dormant

inside you. And now,

blossoming

with every kiss, every

touch of his hand, this

new kind of need is

growing,

sprouting shoots,

tendrils of desire

threading you,

consuming you.

Shrinking (pg. 488)

Do you know how it

feels to be shrinking?

Withering away into

nothing

more than a memory?

You need to put one foot

in front of the other,

but

running in place

is all you can do.

How do you overcome

pain

when it's something

you breathe, a blast

of hot exhaust

in your

face, something turned

you must eat, or starve?

How do you search for

tomorrow

when you're mired

in an endless today?

When You Weren't Looking (pg. 616)

The child became a woman,

though she wasn't ready

to. Don't ask how or

why.

Those questions are not

the important ones.

Can't you

see you didn't

care

enough to notice?

How will you feel

if we have no

more

time together? I wonder

if you're sorry now

about

the way you locked your

heart, access denied to

the beggar at your door.

She's nobody, only

me.

All in all, the book was a good read. It only took me a couple of hours to get through the 625 pages (due to the fact it's all in poems, you get through it A LOT quicker than you think you can), and I highly recommend it. It's a very interesting read. I also recommend her other books, like Crank (as I mentioned before), Impulse, and Glass.

My rating? 7 out of 10 stars. Now go read it!!

On another completely unrelated note, I got my new glasses!!! YAY! And although this isn't the best picture, I must brag a little here about how I haven't washed my hair in days and I still think it looks like movie star hair. Yeah...didn't do a single thing to it besides comb it last time I exited the shower. I know, I know...you're jealous. : )

Don't ask me why I always make that stupid face...for some strange reason it just sort of happens whenever there's a camera in front of my face.

Here's a slightly better pic of the glasses. They're bright blue on the inside of the frames! They aren't much different than my old ones but the blue makes them a lot hipper! I love them!! If you still can't see them, here's a better pic.

Handsome Redemption

I came to you

shattered

violated

hunting for a rescue

and a sturdy wall

on which to lean

my beaten soul and mind.

You are the warm milk,

comforting

coating

my brittle stomach,

cleansing the fear,

burying my starvation

to unreachable depths.

My shield you have become.

I came to you

as a lost girl.

You carried me

as a faithful basket

holds a joyous picnic,

carried me to womanhood

with kindness and beauty,

lust and fascination,

patience and duty.

Every bit of love that leaks

from your simple lips

is echoed to a perfect match

in my eyes.

My heart burns full

for yours is full.

I am quite found

because you are never lost.

And you are now whole

for I gave you me

and made it so.

April 24, 2011

Disguise

Unbeknownst to all

my truest form

is that of a wild flower,

a fiery red lily,

a shining dewed lily,

untamable by man

or any other creature

wishing to harness such power.

As this rich beauty

I am able to fly far

and carry my sorrows away

and lose them over the sea,

and bury them into the sea.

My felt petals are wings

used to sore through the pain

that has thus caused my heart to stray.

My stem keeps me rooted -

regret at its best -

and hinders true freedom; kind trust.

I must let it be,

I shall make it be

a reminder of the fragility

of life and of love and the spoils

of a heart stained with lust.

This form is my home,

my soul's ultimate comfort,

happiness to be free.

It is me,

yes, it is me

and all that I am

and all I might become

if only I were but free;

if only I were but me.

April 17, 2011

This Unlikely Suicide

I am the only beached whale in Indiana.

Baked.

Fried.

Deflated; defeated

yet liberated.

My transient kind

has ruffled the waves of the shore

and crushed its sand beneath

my 8 ton self.

This unlikely suicide is slow.

I suffocate

as the air from enemy lungs

evaporates my skin

and peels away

my desire for my journey

through the willowy waters of memory.

I chose this death.

I used my enormous fins

to propel my body to this grave

until my belly was rubbed raw

by the gritty footprints

of sun-kissed children

and red faced lovers.

The commotion of the sea overwhelms me;

I simply must give it up.

My tortured, peanut soul

is loosing momentum.

I am a predator to her children

so the sea has cast me away

with violent care and chilly stares.

I lose patience

and throw myself to the mercy

of land unknown.

Death could be the ultimate wave

and I already have a tan.

November 12, 2010