Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lucky Lady in My Bed

Hold me
like I held her,
that lucky lady in my bed.

With the bellies of the sheets
exposed
and littered with sex
and dirt and dead skin,
she crawls to me
like a hungry fire ant
with speed and determination;
a thieving leprechaun
anticipating a plump bounty.
I could want you
just this way,
if I had the need
to be a focused red ant.
Order me
to be your queen
and I will surrender
unto you
such secret hiding places
that you will become the green pirate
to plunder what is hidden
and protect
what remains too revealing
and misunderstood
by parasites reading the bible
to their children
and by disappointing men
pulling wives with leashes
glued to ivory necks
and young girls with reins,
whipping fragile souls
with unnecessary discipline.

Don't be afraid
to be the Other.
In a world shaped daily
by copied perfection,
it's nice to be aroused
by erotic flaws
and the orgasmic release of difference.

March 22, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A Reliable Wife: A Reliably Good Read


"You can live with hopelessness for only so long before you are, in fact, hopeless." - pg. 8

After reading this line within the first few pages of the novel, I knew that I was getting myself into a sad, depressing story...and I was actually excited by the idea. Who doesn't love a great story about death, sadness, broken love, murder, mystery?! Today, I finished reading this book, A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick. I started it on Monday afternoon. Needless to say, I really couldn't put it down. Goolrick writes with such poetic beauty that you can almost tell he himself must just be some broken hearted man with a writing obsession. This painful story is about a young woman, Catherine Land, who answers an ad for - what else? - a reliable wife. But she doesn't want love. She doesn't even want a long, fruitful marriage. She really only wants one thing...to kill her future husband and take all of his money. But the older, disgustingly wealthy man who placed the ad from a wintry Wisconsin town (named after his family) in 1907 has a few plans of his own in this gripping tale of deceit, betrayal, and the unbelievably difficult burden of forgiveness.

Although the writing was very entrancing (and oddly not boring, considering there wasn't much dialogue), Goolrick does lose his reader at some points when he jumps from one big event to the other in a matter of just a few words. At one point, I reread a certain 2 paragraphs 4 times before I realized what exactly had happened...a certain character was literally taken from the story in just 2 paragraphs and we still don't know why. Save for that one confusion, I felt the story was moving, erotic (very erotic), sensual, and desperately sad. It didn't quite push me to tears but I did have quite a naughty dream Monday night! (Stop blushing! We're all adults here!)

I was very confused in the beginning because it read almost exactly how the movie Original Sin (Antonio Banderas, Angelina Jolie) started. After finishing the book, I find it different from the movie but there are similar aspects that, if you've seen the movie, you won't be able to deny the likeness. (Remember all of those provocative sex scenes with Antonio and Angelina?! Yeah...exactly!)

Anyways, is it worth your time? Yes, I believe so. It's an entertaining read that is very difficult to put down. At 291 pages, you will probably be able to read it in a matter of a week and you WILL enjoy it, I promise. I give it a 7.5 out of 10 stars. (Hahahaa...another rating. :D) My favorite paragraph? Pg. 190 "The glass of water comforted him, and he clung to the habit with tenacity. The water meant nothing in itself. He was rarely thirsty. The ritual meant everything, a moment to close the day, the moisture on his dry lips like a soft kiss." - I, too, must sleep next to a glass of water every night not because I'm thirsty, but because I've just always been like that...always. I couldn't have described the habitual feeling any better. Thanks, Goolrick!

Apparently, it's being made into a movie. I'm not going to lie...I pictured myself being cast as Catherine Land! Me, a boring, bland lady playing the role of a tricky courtesan. How exciting to play such an intriguing character! Hey, 'such things happen!'

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Very Thirsty Cat

Ummm...WHY can't my cats do amazingly adorable and hysterical things like this??


I think you might be able to see his parched soul at one point when he stares deeply into the camera. My cat just does this...


Ok, you have to admit, he's pretty damn cute. : )

Friday, April 8, 2011

NEW GLASSES!!!! Ok, so maybe only I am excited about this one...


On Tuesday, Brandon took me to Lenscrafters to finally get a new pair of glasses!!! The pair that I have now are like 5 years old (possibly older) and the protective lining on the right lens has almost peeled off completely! So, if I closed my left eye and looked at you, you'd look like a less gorgeous, blurrier version of yourself. (I'm talking to you, Rupert.)

Here are the new glasses I'm getting. Pretty schnazzy, huh?! Hip, fresh, fun...yes, yes all of these words describe not only me but the best pair of glasses for me! (Ok, so I may not be THAT fresh right now, seeing as how I need a shower.) They aren't too much different than the ones I wear now (ironically, the ones I have now are also DonnaKaran!),
but I didn't want to change that much. Sadly, the nice lady told me they won't be ready for 2 weeks due to the fact that they have to order special lenses for my horrible prescription. (Mine eyes are SHIT-eth.) I hate waiting...I don't have much patience for anything. I mean, I wake up every morning counting down the days closer to this. (CAN'T....WAIT.......97 days....)

Anyways, I will make sure to post a lovely picture of myself in my new 'gafas' once they arrive...because I know you're DYING to see my lovely face in new attire. CHEESE!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wishful Thinking Towards King Henry VIII's Real Demeanor


So, I recently finished The Autobiography of Henry VIII by Margaret George. I must say, it was a thumping good read even though it was atrociously long - over 900 pages to not be exact. My obsession with the Tudor dynasty (primarily with Anne Boleyn and her daughter, Elizabeth I, The Virgin Queen) interested me in this book, because George so wittingly creates a life story of one of England's most notorious tyrants, writing it as though he would have written it himself. She takes a different road, showing us the softer side of the crazed ruler known for his licentious behavior and his ruthless beheading of 2 of his 6 wives, one of whom is an idol of mine - the ever witty and bold, Anne Boleyn.

The gripping yet everlasting tale is everything I knew it would be, having taken too much of my free time studying this particular time period. However, George doesn't convince me that King Henry VIII was anything but a womanizer, a tyrant, an idiot. Ok, ok...perhaps that was a little too harsh. He did break from the Catholic Church, leading a reformation in religion and providing the breeding ground for new religions to come popping up. But it seems to me that the majority of Henry's accomplishments come from the women behind him, not from his own fucked up mind. Why did he break from this church? To marry the coquettish beauty, Anne Boleyn, who has been said to have been a firm Protestant in a completely Catholic nation. And yet how did he award her for releasing him from the noose of a church filled with idolatry, corruption, and greed? Oh...that's right. He had her wrongly accused of adultery, seducing him with witchcraft, and incest, all of which had her beheaded as a traitor to the crown. The real reason he murdered a queen? She couldn't birth him a son. "Thanks for the 3 year anniversary gift, Henry darling!!!" Anne's pretty little head must be rolling over in the rotted arrow box under the concrete floor of the abandoned church that was her grave. Classy.

George tries to defend Henry's "grief" over the loss of his 5th wife, Catherine Howard, a young cousin of Anne Boleyn who was raised by an oblivious aunt, the Duchess, in a house with several other young ladies. The favorite hobby of these ladies? Inviting gentlemen into their quarters for what Professor McGonagall would call "ILL-mannered frivolity!" Naturally, to keep their secret from the innocuous Duchess, they recruited Lady Catherine Howard to their fun. After divorcing Anne of Cleves (played by Joss Stone in the Showtime series, The Tudors), Henry's 4th wife who lasted only a few months and was never actually crowned due to the fact that, well, she "looked like a horse", Catherine was placed in front of the King for nothing other than his disgusting pleasure...in between the ages of 14 and 16!!!!! (The official age is unknown but there is strong evidence she was married to King Henry around age 17.) FOURTEEN...talk about cradle robbing! So, if you do the math, Miss Howard was entertaining gentlemen in her bed around ages 11 and 12. Oh emm gee, people!!!

But did this 'rose without a thorn' stop entertaining after the King married her? Negative. And when he found out shortly after the marriage, Henry had her beheaded like a commoner (with an ax; not like he so 'graciously' had Anne murdered - with a special swordsman from France). Now, granted, I am no commissioner of adultery, but I find it ridiculous that he murdered a young TEENAGE woman who - dare I say it? - was EXACTLY LIKE HIM. He had more mistresses than the court could keep up with...and probably a lot more bastards out there than the rumored son he got from Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary (looked it up, doubtful it's true). The young - YOUNG - lass grew up in what was basically a high class version of a whore house and she was thrown into royalty before adulthood to an old (he was in his fifties), obese (reaching 300 lbs), tyrant!!! She did what she always did to fit in and find comfort...she did the nasty with a lot of men, including her cousin, the one she did 'it' with the most, Thomas Culpepper...tasty name and tasty in the Showtime hit, The Tudors.

Yum.

In the end, it was Culpepper who was Catherine's true love as it is rumored her last words on the scaffold were, "I die a Queen, but I would rather have died the wife of Culpepper." And even though he had A LOT of trouble with the ladies, Henry VIII is probably the most famous king in British history. Like they say, sex sells...and King Henry BANKED on his scandalous behavior. He eventually went mad - could it be he actually had a conscience, being haunted by the ghost of his 'rose without a thorn'?? Or perhaps he had the popular infirmity...syphilis?? Me thinks the latter...indeed.

George tells a delightful tale that's just that...a wishful, unrealistic tale in my eyes. But it IS an interesting story all the same. Beautifully written and keeps your attention. I give it a 8 out of 10 stars...hahahhaaa...if I was rating it. Well, what the hell? This is MY blog, I think I can rate it if I want!!! So there!! (That sudden outburst was not caused by the same disease that probably sucked all of the brain power from King Henry's head...I promise. More than likely it was due to the realization of the minute amount of power my blog gives me. Insert evil, diabolic laugh :::here:::.)

And that concludes my rant of what I REALLY think King Henry VIII was like. I'm right...right? Anyways, read it. Just do it...you know you want to.

NB: For those of you interested in the fabulous Showtime hit, The Tudors, let this fucktastic clip move you one step closer towards watching in on Netflix. Natalie Dormer as Anne Boleyn...a dream come true. (Jonathan Rhys Meyers looks mighty fine there too...not gonna lie.)


New, New, NEW!!


I have FINALLY changed the full layout of the horrific site that was this blog. Now, I believe, it's quite pretty!

This is the first step in my attempt to be motivated enough to blog more. Ok, ok...so, let's be honest: It may not happen...especially due to a distraction like this. Or perhaps this. Maybe this. Or EMBARRASSINGLY this. Ugh...that last one makes me ashamed to be a human being. (Most would disagree and say that my second distraction is the most embarrassing one but that's just because they don't understand the 'magic' of said distraction.)

But the most worthy distraction would have to be the following...allow yourself to now be distracted, and fully content no matter how shitty your day is.



Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Tessa Bear

I am such a bad mother.

I have written poems about all of my children (my pets are my children, duh) EXCEPT for Contessa, my sweet little calico cat. She's been a part of my family for almost 6 years (5 years longer than both Ellie and Avalon!) and I can't believe I have just recently finished a poem about her.

I'm not going to lie, it was tough. She's a tough gal to write about. But I think I succeeded...especially since the title is 'Tessa Bear' and she is, after all, my little bear. (Don't ask...we don't really know how it started. She's just always reminded me more of a little bear cub than a cat!)


Tessa Bear

Once I stumbled upon a bear,
a tiny cub of only four pounds,
with eyes that wilt
as dew droplets clinging
to the end of daisy petals
in warm morning air,
straining for the earth
as gravity applies his greedy pull.
This bear grew curious to me
as I found her to have long white whiskers
on either side of her blush button nose.
These whiskers fanned out
and fluttered a light breeze to her fur
where she twitched that nose
towards an unknown smell.

As the bear stretched towards me
with white gloved paws,
I saw her needle thin piercing nails
as they flexed out from each nub of a finger
and magically retreated
back into hibernation under the fur.

Such a bear was this!
This brown, black, and white blotted babe
became a miniature, harmless beast
with the love of play
and a need for cuddle.
In moments of grand excitement,
she roars with a voice
like soft raindrops against a black window.
And when comfort covers her,
the full vibrations humming out
through her chest provide a precious purr
to lull one to sleep.

She carries the feline silhouette
whilst dancing on fences in the moonlight.
Yet with a constant hunger
for the bitter sweetness of honey,
she remains my runt of a bear
whose purrs match my own in slumber
and whose sandpaper tongue
suckles my milk dipped fingers
like a cub to a mother's teat.


March 21, 2011



DA BEAR!!!


Taking a bite outta crime...